Yes, I'm frank. I talk about the most perosnal, most contrversial issues that happen in mylife. I have to admit, I write in this journal because I am limited in telling my stories outside of this journal. I just can't take close minded people. They piss me off. I will say what I want to say, I am not limiting myself to censored words. I wll curse, I will say my most frank opinions, and I will not bat an eyelash in discussing what is really happening in my life. This is me, in the raw. I could care less what you think. This is MY journal, by the way, and you can't so anything to stop me from saying what I feel. Cut me some slack, this is my only outlet. I don't want to get crazy and locked up in a looney house. Read, and comment if you must. Open your mind, and LISTEN. This isn't about you. This is ME. Enjoy.

I haven't written in a while, mostly because I've been pretty lazy nowadays, and nothing much has happened since last time I updated here.

The holidays were aight, spent the eve at HJA's house. Surprisingly, my mom agreed when they invited. We picked up some meds at the hospital for Robert's daughter on the way to their house and they (Robert and Aryn, his youngest daughter) ended up going with us to HJA's house. It was great, and at least it eased some tension between HJA and my mom. Sometimes I wonder if they would really ever get along. Partly my fault, it's all because of that goddamned diary. Haha. Well at least that made things interesting for a while.

Bought a new Canon Powershot S5is from a referral of an officemate. The camera retails for like 28K here, but I got it for 13,500. Not bad for a really durable and great camera. I've been weaving my way through the camera and so far, I'm doin' good for a first timer. I used to be so naive with digicams. Ignorant, really Hopefully I will take more great pictures with it and maybe even s%# videos. I'M KIDDING. I've already risked my neck from writing every intricate detail that happened to me the first time, what ever made you think that I would want to document such things EVER??

 

Apparently, things can get worse.

If you read the post before this, well, this year is will be just as lousy or even lousier than the last. No plans, no nothing.

I'm not the perfect girlfriend in the world, but I fuckin' deserve some sort of celebration for putting up with all your crap, because in the real world, I deserve way better than you.

So here's my shoutout to that uncaring, insensitive pig that is even a poor excuse to be a motherfucker:

"FUCK YOU, and I swear that you will pay for all the shit that you've put me through."

 

 

 

Last year was the worst, i mean the WORST anniversary ever.

I waited ALL fcukin' night in Shangri La Mall because the doggone motherfcuker wanted to train in jiu jitsu (WHICH he had time for anyways, because he can train any day he wants, BUT he STILL chose to train rather than spending the day with me) and picked me up at about 11pm there. I was sad as hell. Who wouldn't be?? Man I was so pissed. We just had dinner and then slept. That was it. You can't even call that a celebration for anything at all. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic.

Man, I know that it shouldn't be all that grand, but I wish he would've at least spent the day with me even if we were just going to hang out. Celebrate a one year of happiness, fool! If someone were to make me feel unappreciated and taken for granted, that was the moment. And he was successful.

BUT, looking at the bright side, a friend of mine accompanied me althrough the night while waiting, he was really sweet and was assuring me that everything was going to be alright and I had nothing to worry about because the guy who I had an anniversary with really loved me. Can that even be called tough love at all?? But I was really glad that Josh (the guy friend) was with me throughout the night. It was really sweet. I can't even remember last year's anniv per se, but I sure do remember how sweet Josh was when talked all night. That's how it should be done, HJA. You should have taken notes, because if this year is going to be as pathetic as last year's, then this year's gonna be the last anniversary that you're gonna have with this biatch.

 

P.S. Special thanks to CF for accompanying me to Shang before meeting up with Josh. Haha

Kung nawwrong send ka chong, pucha, wag mo nang replyan at mag sorry sorry ka pa dyan when you know that you shouldn't be contacting him in the first place. Gaga ka pala e. At pwede ba, ipaayos mo na muna yang face mo at wag mo nang i-deny na ang pangalan mo ay LENG dahil nakita ko na sa phone nya ung name mo no, HALLER!!!

Kung may gusto ng babaeng good-for-nothing na fugly slut, eto number nya: 0917-969-1971

At kung i-deny nya na Leng ang pangalan nya, murahin nyo at tawagin nyong sinungaling. Hahahahahahaha!!

 

Steven, krissie, jam, APPEAR!!

Some random thoughts I've thoughts that I've compiled for some months now. It's time to get published! 

 

 

1. I once called a girl a good for nothing fugly slut because that was exactly what I thought of her for being so 'malandi'. Yeah, I know it was pretty mean, but if she wasn’t a slut I wouldn’t have called her that in the first place.
2. I am always mean to people who are mean to me or my friends and I never regret saying possibly hurtful mean things.
3. I can say that I am REALLY, really nice to people who are nice to me, but I can be extremely mean to people who screw me over. Fair’s fair.
4. I hate, no, loathe cheaters. Cheaters should burn in hell. I think that if one cheats, even if it’s just a short term thing, during that time that you have cheated, you have thrown away EVERYTHING that you have ever worked for in your said relationship.
The thing I hate more that cheating is when men deny things when they are already caught cheating. DUDE, if you were caught cheating, I think that the girl deserves the truth. And I think that men who confess the truth are the ones most regretful of what they did and are most sincere in asking forgiveness and admitting to fault. And for me, I think that’s even more man enough that lying just to save one’s pride, because that’s just pathetic.
5. I am glad that I have surrounded myself with good influences when I was in high school and in college. Somehow, it has helped me to be on track and to achieve my goals. I may have not partied much, but I am proud that in spite the lack of a social life, I was never lead to do things that would have jeopardized my studies.
6. I used to be insecure about how I looked, especially during my early teenage years. But myself and I have already closed any insecurity issues. Haha.
7. I used to be a serial dater a few years back and I have to admit it was a lot of fun. It was just hard to find someone you really like and can have a really good conversation with.
Intelligence and a good sense of humor will always be one of the top things in my turn-ons list. Screw the physical hotness. I don’t want anything to do with someone hot, but dumb. At the end of the day, I want someone I can have hour long conversations with.
Girls appreciate it when guys compliment them on how they look. Hey, we didn’t take an hour to dress up to look like crap.  So cut us some slack, give our efforts to look good some recognition
8. I can say some mean and hurtful things when I’m really mad. I regret saying them to people I really care about. Thing is, I don’t really mean it, I just really feel that way at that moment. After 5 minutes of saying it I’m more often than not wishing I could take those words back.
9. I love LOVE love music. I am impressed with people who make music, and are passionate about it.
Wrong grammar/spelling is at the top of my pet peeves – and I am most especially annoyed with people who PRETEND they’re really good in English, when they’re nothing but a bunch of second rate, trying hard, copy cats. Haha
Sometimes I doubt the decisions I’ve made in life and I wonder if I’ve made the right choices.
10. It hurts to be betrayed. Time doesn’t really heal all wounds. What it does is make us forget a bit, but the pain doesn’t really go away. But that’s life, I guess.
11. I think that I give good advice to my friends, but sadly, I don’t follow my own advice.
12. I love hanging out with guys because they are less maintenance to be with, are less picky, and they have this unspoken obligation to take care of you. Haha. On the other hand, girls are nice to be with, but there will always compromising done when you’re with other girl friends.
13. I spend on people who spend on me. and vice versa. Don’t you just hate it that you spend so much on a gift for someone, and be given a lousy one in return?? I’m being materialistic here, but when things like that happen, I wish that I should have spent less on the gift I gave, and spent more on myself instead. BUT, if the person truly deserves it, then it’s ok.
14. I love being with sweet and caring people. There’s this level of comfort that they give that gives you that warm, fuzzy feeling…..
15. I wish that some people would realize how precious trust is, and how easily it can be ruined and how hard it is to give back.
16. I hate it that some guys think they can fool me with their words. FYI: I’m not as naïve as I look. Stop fooling yourselves, and go to someone who’s desperate to get guys.

 

I know I have fcukin' trust issues but FIRST OF ALL, there could have been no trust issues when trust wasn't even broken in the first place.

So I tell you this, don't freakin' blame me if I don't trust you, because if we trace everything back to the causes, it's always been you fault.

OWN UP and face the consequences.

I accept change, and I see change, but I still won't be that fool who forgets all the shit you did before. It's not living in the past, but learning from mistakes in the past.

To guys out there: Don't expect that if your girlfriends have forgiven you it means that they forget everything that you did. Always remember that if we see any loopholes we will definitely won't ignore the next time we see it and expect that we will bring it up and you better have a good explanation. Forgiving is different than forgetting, brothers, and forgiving in itself already ain't easy.

And please, don't think I don't have the balls to talk to the girls you've fooled around with. I will go to them, drag them around and do whatever I can to get the truth that's so hard to get from you because unfortunately you're to chicken enough to say the truth.

Note: For everyone who's in my friendster, I will post this there and make HJA think that I didn't write this for him, because I'm a big scaredy cat and I'm avoiding some bday goodies I might get tomorrow for my birthday. Haha. But yes, I did write this for him. I'm not ready yet, though.  

I wish I could have said this to you sooner, and then I wouldn’t have had to endure much pain and wasted so much time. I can’t say all of this to you because until now I am scared to cut everything that is between us. This isn’t to tell you that I don’t want you anymore, but to make you see and make me believe that we are in different places in our lives and that I have compromised enough to make this work for us. I don’t want to say that you have been selfish, but in times, I just feel like I was the one giving more than what I was supposed to. Sacrificing for a person is not so bad, but when it hinders you from growing, then I don’t see any point in trying to continue something that isn’t going anywhere.

 

I wish there were words I could say to still save us, since it used to work for us then. A “sorry” and “I’ll change” seemed to be enough, but when the time comes when you ache for some stability and assurance in your life, things like that aren’t even worth anything anymore because, simply, things like that should have been changed a long time ago, and shouldn’t be repeated over and over again. They were right when they said once was enough, but sometimes you have to give someone some faith –  to let them change. Throughout the times that we have been together, I have seen you change for the better, hopefully not for me, but also for yourself. I know that you have changed, but a part of me still doesn’t trust you enough to have enough faith in you not to make mistakes, because most of the time, I was left disappointed and hurt.

 

In a relationship, I realized that it will not always be about fidelity. If it really was a serious relationship, it will involve plans for the future. I’m not implying marriage per se, but plans for the two people involved. That, was one of the things that I did not see in you. Sure, we had short term plans, but goals? We had none. That made it for me. As sad as it sounds, it was one thing I didn’t think you wanted to plan for. I didn’t even have the assurance for anything between us, just a simple “It’s just you.” I thought that it would be enough to keep the bond strong, but as time passes, I don’t see in you any plans that really involve me. You want to accomplish goals for yourself, which I don’t hinder, but I just wish that you’d include me too. I have goals too, and unfortunately, I was jaded enough to include you, when in your picture, I clearly am not there. We have talked about our planned futures, and that’s when I saw that we are not going in the same direction. It’s only now that it dawned on me that when you do not have similar goals with someone you share a deep relationship with, then you shouldn’t even be in the future together.

 

Everybody else has told me that I can have better, and I know that I can, I just wasn’t brave enough to leave what I was comfortable of because this has been one of the most regular things in my life these past years. Things haven’t always been the best, but it was enough for me to keep the relationship going. I hate to say this now, now that we have gone so far, but I think we should let each other grow…..and break up. If you think that this was easy for me, it’s not. I used to love everything about you, but now that I have known almost all of you, I saw that its not really you that I was attached to, but it was you family, our friends, everyone that has been around us, and even the ones that came between us that I was attached to. And it has hurt me even more that I have gotten better treatment from the people I expected so little from. I know now that it’s the simplest things that count. Not making up for things lost, but for building up on the good things, because in reality, that’s what I will remember and keep to my heart most. I have always longed for someone who will listen to what I say, and most importantly, listen to what I don’t say. Someone who will hold my hand and instantly, I feel a hundred percent better. I hate to admit it to myself that I have been pretending that you are that person, when you weren’t. I don’t want to change who you really are, because it simply isn’t you. I want – need somebody who will change for his own good, who is responsible for his own actions, and is man enough to admit his mistakes.

 

I don’t even know how to end this, because I really don’t want to. I just want to thank you for all the good times and all that you have taught me. I will keep them with me forever. And if fate chooses to cross our paths together still, I hope that we will be better persons. Contented, peaceful, and happy. Who knows if we’ll get back together? But for now, I think it’s best if we let each other go. I’m sorry.

HJA and I had one of the biggest fights ver before the year ended and it ALMOST almost ended our 1 year relationship and 2-3 year friendship. Well it's sort of my fault, but you know the things that you really have to do to make someone wake up to reality? Ganun.

Well he has been a bit busy for a while now, and everytime I'd want to go out he'd always say that he's busy, or has to finish something. Being the understanding and patient person that I am, I accepted the excuses. BUT, sometimes I find out that he's busy and can't make it because he has to go boxing or has training in jiu jitsu (it's 2 times a week). Ang daya di ba! He can make time for boxing, why not make time to go out and watch a goddamn movie or at least eat out?! I didn't say anything that would make me sound like a nagging needy biatch, so what I did was, whenever he says that he's busy, I tell him:

"Ah talaga? Sige, sama na lang ako kina Pao and Ian, we're going to a party."

SOOOO, everytime he's busy doing God knows that, I tell him that EVERY single time. But I do change it from time to time, though. Sometimes me and Pao and Ian go to Embassy, to a movie, to an inuman session. And when I mention the inuman session, it really ticks the hell out of him, especially when I say that I'm drunk and I'm with these guys. It's really funny, coz he believes every damn thing and he's so fcuking jealous about me "hanging around" with guys, when in reality I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN THEM IN AGES! Hahahahaha... Well since then he has been more attentive to me and whenever I tell him to go out, we go out. YEAHBOI! But victory wasn't as near as I thought.

May time na busy na naman daw sya, so I told him na:

"Cge papasok na lang ako ng office."

Then he said. (In a really suspicious tone)

"Bakit, may imimeet ka?"

"Huh?? Wala noh! Mag aayos ako ng gamit" (I really was gonna fix my smokey mountain table then)

So I was really really frustrated that he wouldn't believe me when I said that. Talk about the girl who cried wolf. Haha.

We had a really serious talk a day after that. He said that I was happier with my friends than when I was with him, and that I was ALWAYS bored whenever we were together (which wasn't true). So I cried out of frustration that he was accusing me that I wasn't happy when I was. PLUS, dinadamdam pala nya LAHAT ng mga made up gimmicks ko with the guys! Susmiyo por favor!!! Hahahaha. I was on the brink of telling him that I made all that up, but I didn't coz that would mean that I was a sneaky little liar and would say anything to get my way. (It's partly true, but of course I had my integrity to keep so I kept my mouth shushed.) So anyway, I was crying in front of SBC Katipunan. As in bawling my eyes out, and the pulubi kids were watching us like a cheesy soap opera. As in. They were sitting at the tables with their hands on their chins hooked on the next dialogue that was gonna come out of our mouths. Well, while enduring that embarassing moment, we got to talk to fix things. I do not promise that I'm never going to lie again, but I'll use that power more wisely now.

When we were backing the car from the parking, I heard one of the pulubi kids sing the Sheryn Regis revived tagalog song. He sang this song in a really irritating loud high pitched voice:

"Ang pag-iiiiibig kong ito, luha ang tanging nakamit mula sa 'yo..... Sana'y kapalaran ko ay magbaaagoooo..."

Tangina. Kung hindi lang ako umiiyak nun at malungkot I SWEAR to God that I will crush his little bones to death. But in fairness now that I look back, the song was errily perfect for the moment......